Knowledge is Knowing

I don't know what type of personality you would say that I am, (be careful) but I am one who has to know all there is to know about something. If we are taking a trip, I research diligently before we leave so to know everything about where we are going. If I am making a new friend, I inquire about their life so as to know who I am becoming friends with. When I am making a decision about something, I gather all of the information available and even interview others concerning what their experience might have been in the same situation. And when it comes to health issues, oh my, I research and research and research.

As I have blogged before about Chase's birth and the issues that surrounded his health let me remind you that I did not have a computer at that time. That was a blessing. For IF I had a computer back then, poor thing, he might have even had the diagnosis of ovarian cancer after I had done my research. Ignorance is blissful sometimes in health situations.

I don't know if I have ever posted that Chase is dyslexic...but he is and I am so thankful! That is one of the qualities God gifted him with that makes him as precious as he truly is. When I first knew that he was dyslexic, my personality kicked into high gear. I began researching like a mad woman. I read EVERYTHING available. I attended workshops and seminars. I evaluated curriculum after curriculum. I spoke with expert after expert and parents of dyslexic children as well as dyslexic people themselves. In all honesty, I became an expert on dyslexia and how it effected my child. I knew exactly what intervention was needed and knew where to get it. I knew how he would learn and how to teach him. All of my energy and waking moments were spent learning all there was to learn. At the risk of sounding prideful, I became somewhat of an expert on dyslexia and rivaled any professional's knowledge.

My Sunday School Class is studying a book titled "The Practice of Godliness". As I have began this study I realize that I should have the desire to practice godliness. I have also come to understand that my desire will follow my seeking and in turn my seeking will lead my desire. Why is it that I don't find myself all consumed with learning Christ's ways? Why do I not feel the passion for seeking godliness that I feel for seeking knowledge of other matters? Why is it that my every breath is not to know God more and understand His ways? I believe I can explain that, at least for me.

There have also been times in my life that I have not wanted to seek information. For instance, when my mother-in-law was diagnosed with ovarian cancer I did start my research. However, there was a point that I drew a line in the sand and said to myself..."I don't want to know anymore." In actuality, the truth about this disease was scary. I didn't like what I was reading. The knowledge I was acquiring was not rosy. Maybe somewhere in my mind I thought that if I didn't KNOW the truth, the truth would not be. You and I both know people with that type of thinking. Thinking that if they don't think about it, it will go away.

I have come to realize that may be the same reason I don't seek God whole heartily. Maybe I seek Him to a point, ....and then draw a line in the sand. Could it be that in knowing God more, I also am revealed as who I really am and I don't like that? As we grow to know God we do becoming more knowledgeable of God. The more He increases, the more I decrease. Is it that the more of the truth I know, the more I may not want to know the truth? I begin to realize that I am so far from the godliness I desire to be that I just quit letting God reveal himself to me.

My prayer, for myself is this: Dear God, thank you for the desire you have placed in me to seek and find answers to hard questions. I pray that you will align those desires so that I will have the same passion to seek you and know you more. Help me continue to want to know you more even when knowledge of you reveals the hard stuff in me. I want my desire to seek you to not be so I can be knowledgeable but that I can know you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.